The most epic, the most famous, the most spectacular standoff man has ever faced is that of man versus spider. A classic battle where only the fittest, the strongest and the bravest competitor with unmatched cunning will be the victor. Be glad because you’re reading this. Next time, you’ll win that battle.

So, you walk into your bedroom and there on the wall next to the window, laying its army of terrifying eggs, is the eight legged arachnid that is the cornerstone of all fear you’ve ever known. What you mustn’t do is grab that slipper next to your bed and THWACK… because then you’ll have a mess on your wall. No, you have to be smart and patient with these things. DO NOT MAKE THE SPIDER AFRAID!! Step 1: Approach it with grace. Take baby steps towards the spider, smiling at it if necessary, making it feel comfortable. The last thing you want is for the spider to dart around the bedroom making it impossible to kill, so whatever you do, do not make the spider scared… You only make that mistake once.

Step 2: Get to know your spider.  Ask the spider for its name, how it’s doing; sing it a little song, do it a little dance. It’s all part of that master plan of luring the spider into the world’s most believable false sense of security. But the spider’s not stupid; it knows what you’re up to. It’s thinking, ‘any minute now and I’m dead.’ So, when you follow Step 3: Get that newspaper from the living room, bare that in mind…

Because when you return to your room, the spider probably won’t be there. It’ll be up in that corner where you’ve never been able to dust and if you listen carefully, you’ll be able to hear it laughing at you; mocking you and your stupidity. ‘Who dances for a spider?’ It’ll ask you. (If you happen not to be fluent in Arachnidtounge then just smile and nod politely.) Afterwards, swallow that lump in your throat, wipe the sweat off your brow and implement Step 4: Open the window. It’s probably where the spider came from, so give it a final chance to escape before the deed is done. If the spider is smart it will go for the window, if it is stupid it will stay. In which case, don’t hold back with Step 5! Remember that newspaper? What you have to do is get a real tight grip on it. Now it’s important not to panic here with your legs flapping and voice hitting high notes of screaming you never knew existed. And if the pressure becomes so unbearable that you find yourself littered in a pool of your own sweat and urine… just walk away. Put the newspaper down, hang your tiny head in shame and admit sincere defeat my friend.

You. Have. Failed.

Hopefully, with successful control of your bladder and with the newspaper in your vengeance hand, edge the spider closer and closer to the window. Don’t worry if it takes a few attempts, it is tricky. Then, when the spider least expects it, with a final, determined ROAR… just ever so gently pat the spider out of the window safely onto the pane outside.

Alas, breathe in the deep satisfaction.

And if you don’t want to get rid of the spider humanely?

Take a good look in the mirror! What kind of a sick person are you?

*A little explanation. This post is actually a little piece I wrote for a college assignment a few years ago. I then went on to perform it in front of an audience at a Creative Writing Evening (which you can read about here). I just wanted to share this because I thought it was alright 🙂

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