When I was a kid I would dream every single day. Ideas would be executed as soon as they were a thought in my brain. I had this energy that was palpable. It just kept me going.
Now I’m older and when I dream, there’s no energy to sustain them. Plans and ideas remain internal; starting and ending life as thoughts. Not much gets done outside of university and church. It’s like I cease to exist by merely just existing. Doing the absolute bare minimum to get me through another day. In reality this materialises to hours spent on YouTube watching videos, whilst eating unhealthy food (I’m not fat – just putting that out there), wishing I had something else to do. But I do have something else to do, always. It’s more I’m wishing I had that same childlike energy to complete those something elses.
The list of something elses is exhaustive. A complete A-Z of life goals big and small. Getting a degree is on there, alongside living abroad.
But there’s one which is written in bold directly on my heart. I think it’s been there since when I was that boy with all that energy. Except, this venture I’ve never really pursued – at all. I’m always too shy or too scared or resolving my thinking around the idea that maybe it’s just not for me.
That continues to be the case. But one day, one jubilant day, my anxieties will cease to exist. And joy will surface beyond all recognition.
Love has always been a great desire of mine.
Since when time had allowed for me to join the lines.
Figuring out this thing in my head called ‘The Mind’,
I noticed strong tethers connected to the human heart.
In every single sense, it’s never meant to break apart.
But instead find solace in the arms of another.
God, neighbour, even your mother.
God is a given and completely satisfactory if you choose to accept Him.
Mum is a given and completely satisfied if she chooses to accept you.
Neighbours are to be loved.
But the real fear, is getting your love rejected.
And realising you’re living in a world where you are not to be accepted.
So putting yourself out there becomes a calculated risk.
But the rewards could be endless, fruitful, beautiful.
This has become more than just ticking a goal off a list.
Personally, I just want to give it.
All of it, to somebody I admire.
This is one of my greatest desires.