There’s an ugly page my university runs that I’ve joined recently. It’s basically where students go to hash out their frustration at not being able to find accommodation before the new term starts (in just over two weeks), and barely anything gets done to resolve it. On the page you also get frequent posts of other students displaying their interest in finding another student to potentially buddy-up with and get a house. That ‘interest’ seems to be inclusive of everyone but me. I hardly got any replies to my messages and if I did they’d be rejections. It’s weird to think that nothing good came from joining that page. But all that is beside the point. I have a place to live now.
And now that I have a place to live, my mind has had some time to think. The current prominent thought is: YO! WHAT IS YOUR FRICKING DISSERTATION PROJECT GOING TO BE? HOW COME YOU HAVEN’T DONE ANY OF IT YET? YOU UNDERSTAND THAT UNI STARTS AGAIN IN LESS THAN TWO WEEKS DON’T YOU? OR ARE YOU SO PREOCCUPIED WITH THAT MISTAKENLY BOUGHT PS4, THAT NEW PHONE, OR ALL OF THE CAKES THAT YOU KEEP ON BAKING THAT YOU’VE COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT THE EDUCATION WHICH IS COSTING YOU £9000 A YEAR? Oh no wait, I’m sorry. I completely forgot, my mistake. You’ve worked so hard for the last three years only to fail at this, the final hurdle, haven’t you… NO! OF COURSE YOU HAVEN’T! Now if you excuse me, I’m just going to send you into a three hour panic/shame frenzy.
Sincerely, Brain. xoxo
And so, off the back of yet another ‘panic/shame frenzy’ I’m writing this. Because I suck. Well, it’s a little deeper than that actually. I’m just nervous and scared. Writing is a good tool for me to vent. This dissertation has been the reoccurring nightmare of my three years at university so far. On occasion when I would be having fun, the word dissertation would pop into my mind and make me sweat. Or when I hear of someone older than me doing their dissertation and the majority of the words they’re using to describe it are curses, that fills me with a total lack of confidence. Or when I see a friend going through the motions of doing it and I’m a spectator to all of the effort they’re putting into their work I’m just thinking, ‘Yeah I’m not cut out for this. How easily can I get a refund for £19,000?’ I feel totally out of my depth. One thing about studying computer science is that people always come up to you saying, ‘Yeah that’s such a vast area isn’t it?’ That’s true, but when it comes to creating an idea for an app from that vast area, all of your ideas seem to already be taken. To innovate would require brain power I’m starting to wonder if I possess. And that’s just one factor. Going back to uni, brings with it a plethora of other things I’d be going back to. All of which require more and more brain power, that’s becoming clearer and clearer is not in my possession.
Maybe I’ve told a lie. I’ve portrayed that I’m not looking forward to this final year of university when in actual fact I am. This year of life ahead I’m welcoming with open arms. I am waiting patiently for that 10am lecture on Monday 3rd October because I am ready to make myself useful again.
“And a very good morning to you Professor Schneider!”
“You’re in an awfully chirpy mood. Do you want to try that again?”
“Nope. I’ve just been looking forward to this! Now, chop chop don’t delay! Teach me!”
“What are you?”
It has been a lazy summer and being lazy doesn’t really sit well with me; even if I look remarkably comfortable with it. And not just that, but after a year of being away working with a local company and living with my aunt, I can’t wait to be back in the midst of my friends, classmates and that reassuring, staple, student-friendly £3 lunch meal deal.
I don’t think I’ve ever looked forward to something I’m dreading so much.